A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
The coroner said, “No.”
The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”
“No.”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“No.”
“So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”
Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like:
AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.
Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference those include files.
Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code. If they understand it, they don’t need you.
Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary in the world should be generated from the same sources.
Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don’t need you.
Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.
Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If they can understand you, they don’t need you.
Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was easy and anyone can do it and they don’t need you.
When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever but don’t answer the question. If they get their questions answered they don’t need you.
Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When someone asks you out to lunch, reply:
“I can’t because I’ve almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with release.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.” Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.
Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex logic.
Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely. Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your mystique.
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday and decided to go ice fishing. So early the next morning she got all her gear and headed out.
When she reached her destination she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There’s no fish in there”.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish there.
So she moves again and the voice tells her there are no fish there. So she looks up and see’s a man looking down at her.
“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink and you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”
There’s an englishman,a scottsman,and an irishman all sitting at a bar with pints in front of them.the bar is full of flies.one lands in the englishman’s pint.”oh,that’s repulsive”,he says and pushes his pint away.a fly then lands in the scottsman’s pint.the scott fishes it out,throws it,and slings back his pint. finally one lands in the irishman’s pint.he reaches in,pulls the fly out,holds it between his fingers and yells”spit it out you bastard!spit it out!”
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says, ” Well it’s used to being in it’s mother’s pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in “there” it will calm down.”
She exclaims, ” I’m not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!”
The husband replies,” Well, why don’t you just hold it’s little nose!”
Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding which side
has hired the better lawyer.
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don’t have to repeat myself) - MINIMIZE BUTTON - SHUTDOWN FEATURE - SHOPPING FUNCTION - A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won’t fall asleep after sex
- A LAUNDRY, COOKING-, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION - DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users - A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it’s uninstalled it won’t come back - A MONOGAMY FEATURE - AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they’re about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”
Q: What’s the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: How do you know when a blond’s been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What is the blonde’s favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they’re fucked.
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod…
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a
new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and
says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’
really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that,
you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the
command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the
horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey,
somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s
ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through
the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ”It’s no good, I’ll
have to do it,” and yells, ”ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure
enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This
continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier
problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The
jockey replies, ”Nothing is wrong with me–it’s this bloody
horse. What is he–deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, ”Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”
