A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: “Do you know what I`m doing ?”
“Yes,” she says, “you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“Correct,” says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I`m doing now”, he says.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“That`s right,” replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. “Do you know,” he pants “what I`m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You`re getting herpes.”
The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son replied, “Daddy, I would like an aeroplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.
Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.
Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son replied, “Daddy, I would like something to watch films on.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.
Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son, who had caught the ‘Western’ movie bug, replied, “Daddy,I would like a cowboy outfit.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft.
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?”
The man replies, “You’re in an airplane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
“Quite easy,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”
• Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Excite.
• You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
• Your phone bill is delivered in a box.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
• You forget what year it is.
• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited.”
• Tech Support: “What version of the Mac OS are you using?”
Customer: “Word 6.0.”
• Tech Support: “What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Tech Support: “Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?”
Customer: “‘Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer’.”
• Tech Support: “Are you installing on a Mac?”
Customer: “No, I’m using a 3.5″ thingee on a disk.”
• Tech Support: “This has Windows 98 on it — did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?”
Customer: “I think it had Office 97.”
• Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
• Customer: “I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95.”
Tech Support: “Can you describe what happens?”
Customer: “Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, ‘C:\WINDOWS>’.”
• Tech Support: “which drive is your CD ROM?”
Customer: “the top one.”
• Customer: “Do I hit ‘F’ and ‘8′ at the same time?”
• Tech Support: “Your password will be…a small ‘a’ as in apple, a capital ‘V’ as in Victor, the number ‘7′ ”
Customer: “Is that a capital ‘7′?”
• Tech Support: “Ok, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters…”
Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”
• “I try to avoid using Microsoft. That’s why I use MS-DOS.”
• “How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?”
• Tech Support: “Do you have any windows open right now?”
Customer: “Are you crazy woman, it’s twenty below outside…”
• Tech Support: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not.”
Tech Support: “What program is it?”
Customer: “It’s called ‘MSDOS Prompt’.”
Tech Support: “What’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: ‘C:\WINDOWS>’, and it just sits there and doesn’t do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows.”
• Customer: “How much do Windows cost?”
Tech Support: “Windows costs about $100.”
Customer: “Oh, that’s kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?”
• Customer: “File manager? What’s that?”
Tech Support: “How long have you had your computer?”
Customer: “Three years.”
• “I have a 386 Pentium.”
• “My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it.”
• Customer: “The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?”
Tech Support: “No, that is ‘contiguous’ memory, as in ’sequential’.”
Customer: “That is impossible, it said ‘contagious’.”
Tech Support: “Type ‘mem’ and hit the ‘enter’ key.” Customer: “Oh.”
• “My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.”
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
There was a male engineer, on a cruise in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.
She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, “Where did you come from? How did you get here”?
She said, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank”
“Amazing”, he said, “I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you?”
“It is only me”, she said, “and the row-boat didn’t wash up, nothing else did.”
“Well then”, said the man, “how did you get the row-boat?”
“I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island”, replied the woman. “The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree”
“But, but”, asked the man, “what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?”
“Oh, no problem”, replied the woman, “on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that”, she continued. “Where do you live?” At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
“Well, let’s row over to my place”, she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
“It’s not much”, she said, “but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?”
“No”, said the man, “one more coconut juice and I will puke.”
“It won’t be coconut juice”, the woman replied, “I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”
“No”, the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship”
“Well if you would like to shave, there is a man’s razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs…
“You look great”, said the woman, “I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.” So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned - this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
“Tell me”, she asked, “we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?”
“Yes there is”, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, “Tell me … Do you happen to have an Internet connection?”
1 I don’t care what you look like, it’s what’s on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I’m horny and could care less, just type)
2 No this is my only screen name… You mean you can have more then one?
3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I’m getting excited.
4 I’m 5′4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!
5 I’m 6′0, great tan, and buffed from working out.
6 Yes of course I’m female…
7 I’m in this private room consoling a depressed friend.
8 I’m new online and haven’t had time to create a profile… but tell me more about yourself.
9 I’m not like most of the guy’s/gal’s here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)
10 You’re different… I’ve never felt like this about someone I’ve never met before.
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, “Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.”
“Oh, No!” she said, but St. Peter said not to worry he’d make it easy.
“Who was God’s son?” said St. Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said “Andy!”
“That’s interesting… What made you say that?” asked St. Peter.
Then she started to sing “Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me…”
Once a blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”
Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine?
A: “Daddy! can I go to Miami!
Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: There are some things even a blonde won’t do.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
Q: What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
A: “Mary… that’s cute. What did you name the other one?”
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: “Thanks, guys!”
Once two sisters , a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they fall in financial crisis. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it very slow.”
Three blonds were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blond said “those are deer tracks”.
The second blond said “no, those are elk tracks”.
The third blond said “you’re both wrong, those are moose tracks.”
The three blonds were still arguing when the train hit them.
