A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look [...]
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
“I did a terrible thing,” sniffed the drunk, “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.”
“That is awful,” said the other guy, “And now that she is gone [...]
The “Buffolo Theory” of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole [...]
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?”
“Yup, [...]
It’s Halloween and everyone’s out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the [...]
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and [...]
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing [...]
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You’ve both gone down one clothing size.
7. [...]
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
“We’ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.
“I’m sure we´ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her.
“If you’ll just take [...]
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and adozen donuts.
A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is [...]
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug”.
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and [...]
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. “I don’t like that new boyfriend, he’s rough and common and bloody stupid with it.”
“Oh no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever, we’ve only been going out nine weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like [...]
1. “The cucumber has left the salad.”
2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”
3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”
4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”
5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”
6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. “You’ve [...]
