Signs You’re Really Broke
1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe.
5. Long distance companies no longer call [...]
How Cold Is Cold?
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don’t start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 [...]
Top ten reasons why it’s good to be Italian.
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history… well, until about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Country run by Sicilian murderers
Top ten reasosn why it’s great to be American
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If [...]
Things You Wouldn’t Know Without The Tube All Of Life’s Mysteries Are On TV
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. [...]
Top reasons why it’s great to be Canadian
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel [...]
Top twenty things to do at a drivethru
1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with [...]
Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines
1. ValueJet: When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.
2. ValueJet: We’re Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet [...]
“Top Ten Signs You Are ‘Burned Out’ Because of Work”
1. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”
2. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!”
3. Your garbage can IS your “in” box.
4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go [...]
30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others
1. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep [...]
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s [...]
Top reasons why it’s great to be French
1. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
2. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs
3. If there’s a war you can surrender really early
4. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on [...]
The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash
1. “He can’t come to the phone right now..he’s on the ledge.”
2. “He won’t be in today…he was made an offer and he refused.”
3. “He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift.”
4. “I’m sorry, sir..she’s not in…she’s out [...]
The Top Recently Rejected Saturday Morning Cartoons
1. “Billy, the Homicidal Smurf.”
2. “Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home.”
3. “Archie, the Abcessed Tooth.”
4. “Yosemite Sam…UNCENSORED!”
5. “The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers.”
6. “Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood.”
7. “The Land of The Lost…The Barney Years.”
8. “COPS” in full color animation!
The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie
1. We know where you live.
2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
3. Everyone’s meal today is on you!
4. The “special sauce” came from the floor!
5. Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
6. Your [...]
