A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
The coroner said, “No.”
The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”
“No.”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“No.”
“So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure [...]
Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like:
AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.
Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files [...]
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday and decided to go ice fishing. So early the next morning she got all her gear and headed out.
When she reached her destination she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There’s no [...]
There’s an englishman,a scottsman,and an irishman all sitting at a bar with pints in front of them.the bar is full of flies.one lands in the englishman’s pint.”oh,that’s repulsive”,he says and pushes his pint away.a fly then lands in the scottsman’s pint.the scott fishes it out,throws it,and slings back his pint. finally one lands in the [...]
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. [...]
Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding which side
has hired the better lawyer.
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although [...]
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”
Q: What’s the quickest way to [...]
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. [...]
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a
new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and
says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’
really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that,
you’ll be fine.”
The jockey [...]
There was this blonde applying for a job and saw a sign that said needed for paint job, Come here. So she went to the house and knocked on the door.
She said,I’m here for the paint job;and the guy said,Ok.Here’s the paint I want you to paint the porch.
She said, No Problem, and set off [...]
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt [...]
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.
The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar [...]
Drinker’s Alphabet
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college
B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C is for Class :What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E is for [...]
