The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, [...]
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog [...]
• Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway [...]
• Tech Support: “What version of the Mac OS are you using?”
Customer: “Word 6.0.”
• Tech Support: “What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Tech Support: “Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?”
Customer: “‘Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer’.”
• Tech Support: “Are you installing on a Mac?”
Customer: [...]
• “I try to avoid using Microsoft. That’s why I use MS-DOS.”
• “How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?”
• Tech Support: “Do you have any windows open right now?”
Customer: “Are you crazy woman, it’s twenty below outside…”
• Tech Support: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “Well, everything is working [...]
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into [...]
There was a male engineer, on a cruise in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept [...]
1 I don’t care what you look like, it’s what’s on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I’m horny and could care less, just type)
2 No this is my only screen name… You mean you can have more then one?
3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, [...]
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions [...]
A Classic
———–
rtfm.mit.edu
Cereals - normal, at first.
——-
life.ai.mit.edu
trix.ai.mit.edu
alpha-bits.ai.mit.edu
beet-chex.ai.mit.edu
masticated-neo-bohemian-cthuloid.mit.edu
chewy-chomp.mit.edu
General Abuse
————-
my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu
no-sir-i-did-not-see-you-playing-with-your-dolls-again.ai.mit.edu
long-hostname-carefully-selected-to-expose-fixed-length-buffers.mit.edu
People and Attitudes
——————–
blithering-intellectual.mit.edu
chick-magnet.mit.edu
convivial-niceguy.mit.edu
dimple-boy.mit.edu
fearless-leader.mit.edu
boyish-good-looks.mit.edu
disarming-smile.mit.edu
that-blonde-chick.mit.edu
uma-thurman.mit.edu
Drugs
—–
big-fat-bag-of-crack.mit.edu
crack-baby.mit.edu
crack-whore.mit.edu
ten-cent-crack-whore.mit.edu
Sex
—
den-of-iniquity.mit.edu
big-pimpin.mit.edu
big-screw.mit.edu
dog-lover.mit.edu (of course, this may not really be sex-related…)
puppy-lover.mit.edu (same)
fried-foreskin.mit.edu
fuck-the-skull-of-jesus.mit.edu
margaret-thatcher-naked-on-a-cold-day.mit.edu
moaning-lisa.mit.edu
pearl-necklace.mit.edu (also somewhat subjective)
porn-star.mit.edu
spankasaurus-rex.mit.edu
squirting-sphincter.mit.edu
turgid-pole.mit.edu
x-rated.mit.edu
Commentary
———-
emacs-makes-a-computer-slow.mit.edu (notably not in gnu.ai.mit.edu domain)
existence-is-meaningless.mit.edu
failure-is-unacceptable.mit.edu
glad-i-am-not-a-dec.mit.edu
i-am-not-the-moose.mit.edu
i-cant-think-of-a-new-hostname.mit.edu
i-could-not-think-of-a-hostname.mit.edu
i-dont-know.mit.edu
i-goddess.mit.edu
i-m-so-tired.mit.edu
i-see-everything-twice.mit.edu
i-will-fear-no-evil.mit.edu
ignorance-is-strength.mit.edu
incite-sedition.mit.edu
its-a-feature.mit.edu
lost-cause.mit.edu
macs-suck.mit.edu
my-hovercraft-is-full-of-eels.mit.edu
my-dog-ate-it.mit.edu
not-a-guppy.mit.edu
not-a-mac.mit.edu
not-a-minihub.mit.edu
not-a-pretty-computer.mit.edu
not-a-printer.mit.edu
not-a-supported-platform.mit.edu
not-a-typewriter.mit.edu
not-an-sgi.mit.edu
not-what-you-think.mit.edu
pepsi-sux.mit.edu
piece-of-shit.mit.edu
point-and-drool.mit.edu
screw-loose.mit.edu
shit-happens.mit.edu
the-world-is-mine.mit.edu
thing-that-should-not-be.mit.edu
think-different.mit.edu
this-is-a-test.mit.edu
this-machine-has-no-neck.mit.edu
turning-coffee-into-theorems.mit.edu
yes-dear.mit.edu
yes-i-am.mit.edu
Odd Other Things
—————-
shit-box.mit.edu
sticky-scrot.mit.edu
seal-clubbing.mit.edu
really-bad-pun.mit.edu
right-bundle-branch.mit.edu
purry-fuzzball.mit.edu
nibbled-to-death-by-ducks.mit.edu
oh-no-not-again.mit.edu
bilge-pump.mit.edu
because-i-was-inverted.mit.edu
church-of-briantology.mit.edu
full-contact-origami.mit.edu
small-dogs.mit.edu
small-gods.mit.edu
something-intelligent.mit.edu
the-brown-ring-of-quality.mit.edu
Technical
———
bovine-spongiform-encephalopathy.mit.edu
tep-soda-machine.mit.edu
turing-machine.mit.edu
AOL:
America Online, this is Sue speaking.
Caller:
Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
AOL:
Okay, ma’am, what’s your question?
Caller:
Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called “cybersex”… does this cost extra?
AOL:
:::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma’am… I don’t know how to explain this, but cybersex is [...]
1. Dial 911 Immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there’s something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics [...]
It says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.”
It says: “Press A Key”
(This one’s a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the “A” key.)
It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only [...]
Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like:
AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.
Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files [...]
