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1 I don’t care what you look like, it’s what’s on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I’m horny and could care less, just type) 2 No this is my only screen name… You mean you can have more then one? 3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone [...]

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last minute Internet shopping. The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software. The children were nestled [...]

A Classic ———– rtfm.mit.edu Cereals – normal, at first. ——- life.ai.mit.edu trix.ai.mit.edu alpha-bits.ai.mit.edu beet-chex.ai.mit.edu masticated-neo-bohemian-cthuloid.mit.edu chewy-chomp.mit.edu General Abuse ————- my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu no-sir-i-did-not-see-you-playing-with-your-dolls-again.ai.mit.edu long-hostname-carefully-selected-to-expose-fixed-length-buffers.mit.edu People and Attitudes ——————– blithering-intellectual.mit.edu chick-magnet.mit.edu convivial-niceguy.mit.edu dimple-boy.mit.edu fearless-leader.mit.edu boyish-good-looks.mit.edu disarming-smile.mit.edu that-blonde-chick.mit.edu uma-thurman.mit.edu Drugs —– big-fat-bag-of-crack.mit.edu crack-baby.mit.edu crack-whore.mit.edu ten-cent-crack-whore.mit.edu Sex — den-of-iniquity.mit.edu big-pimpin.mit.edu big-screw.mit.edu dog-lover.mit.edu (of course, this may not really be sex-related…) [...]

AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking. Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join. AOL: Okay, ma’am, what’s your question? Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called “cybersex”… does this cost extra? AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma’am… I don’t know [...]

1. Dial 911 Immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there’s something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At [...]

It says: “Press Any Key” It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.” It says: “Press A Key” (This one’s a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the “A” key.) It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E” It means: “… where you will be kept on [...]

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand. Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like: AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm)); Type fast, think slow. Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. [...]

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts: 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I [...]

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. ”Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you [...]