‘Great! Thanks.’

At lunch the farmer inquired, ‘How was the shooting?’

‘Terrific. Got any more dogs?’

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets all about the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and squarks, “And get me another whisky you airhead.”

Quite upset, the poor girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it now you stupid idiot.”

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

As they plunge downwards, the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you’ve sure got an attitude.”

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing?”

He says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”

The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shot back into the house.

Not wanting their cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness.”

David was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

“Well”, says the farmer, “that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

“Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them.”

“And that was when he hurt his leg?” asked the salesman.

“Oh no” says the farmer. “He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure.”

“So the bear injured his leg then,” says the salesman.

“Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned.”

“So he hurt his leg then?” asks the salesman.

“Oh no,” says the farmer.

“So how did he get the wooden leg?” the salesman asks.

“Well”, the farmer tells him, “When you have a pig like that, you don’t want to eat him all at once.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a stupid name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

“Wow, that looks deep.”

“Sure does! Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.” They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait, but there is no noise.

“Jeeez. That is really deep. Here, throw one of those great big rocks down there. That should make a noise.”

They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait. They wait, and wait, but again hear nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey, over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that in, it’s got to make some noise!”

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey! You two guys seen my goat out here?”

“You bet we did! Craziest thing I’ve ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”

“Nah,” says the farmer, “that couldn’t have been mine. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

“Daddy, why is it that we have humps on our backs?”

“Well son, we have humps on our backs which contain fat to sustain us through many days when we are out in the desert.”

“Oh thanks, Dad,” said the youngster. He then asked, “Daddy, why is it that we have long eye lashes over our eyes?”

“Well son,” said the father, “in the desert, there are many sandstorms which whip up a lot of sand which can get into our eyes. The long eye lashes protect our eyes from being blinded.”

“Oh thanks, Dad,” said the youngster. “Dad, why is it that we have great big padded feet?”

“Well son, in the desert, the sand is very soft and we need big feet to be able to walk on the sand without our feet sinking into the soft sand.”

“Well thanks, Dad, but what are we doing in London Zoo?”

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”

The other tiger replied, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”