Well the first guy says, “I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.”

Well the second guy says, “Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.”

Well the third guy says, “Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.”

Well the fourth guys clearly states, “Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.”

The other three guys say really? Why’s that?

And the fourth guys says, “Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn’t know what to do … so I shit my pants!”

The poor little guy starts crying.

‘Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,’ the biker says. ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY.’ ‘I can’t stand to see a man crying.

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.”

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

The woman stops and says,
“Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?”

The legionarie tells her the camel won’t budge but she’s welcome to try.

The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW… smashes the camel’s testicles with the bricks. The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.

The captain drops his pants and says, “Great! Do me next, I’ve got to catch that son of a bitch!”

One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!”

The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!”

The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn’t get passed the two bigger moles.

Finally giving up, he said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

Yup, if one steps on you, you’re screwed.

“What is this, Mom?” asked Susie.

Mom replied, “You’ll have to guess. But I’ll give you a clue. It’s what I call your father sometimes.”

Johnny yells, “Spit it out sis! It’s asshole! It’s asshole!”

At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, “It’s my birthday today.”

“Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?”, asks the Post Office worker.

“33.”, says the man.

“Well, have a good day.”, says the worker.

“Thank you.”, replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives.

The man says to the old lady,
“It’s my birthday today.”

“Oh, happy birthday.”, says the old lady.

“I’m…”

“No don’t tell me.”, interjects the old lady, “I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that then?”, asks the man.

“If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are.”, says the old lady.

“I don’t believe it.”, says the man.

“Well let me prove it!”, the old lady replies.

“I’m not going to let you feel my balls!”, says the man.

“Oh well, I guess you’ll never know then.”, replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, “Oh, okay then, you can do it.”

After a good feel of the man’s balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. “You are 33 years old exactly.”, she exclaims!

“How in the world did you know that?!”, exclaims the man, impressed.

“I was behind you in the line at the Post Office.”, said the lady.

He asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh, he could have that jar of money.

So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing his head off. He gets his money and walks out.

The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar of money sitting on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry, he could have that jar of money.

So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying huge tears.

As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and cry.

The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger pecker then he did, and the second time I proved it.