The woman said,
“Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.”

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, “Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!”

The woman says, “thirty years ago that fence wasn’t electrified!”

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because, ” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

6. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins – If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” And the worst of the bunch:

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the “men of God”, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They gnored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, they did so – thereby proving – Are you ready for this? That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

“I’ll never understand,” he said to his wife, “why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replied, “Why, thank you, dear.”

“I’ll never understand,” he said to his wife, “why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replied, “Why, thank you, dear.”

NOTE – This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________

2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______
If NO, explain: _______________________________________________

7. Number of years parents married: ___________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)

9. In 50 words or less, what does “Late” mean to you? _________________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does “DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? _________________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _________________________________________________________

12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________

14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely – all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone – I promise):

A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________

C. A women’s place is in the __________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________

E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to “E” begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________

16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you’re really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you’re leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Lets just be friends.”

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What’s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time.” A Southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

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When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”