Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a
7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on
her fingers and replies, “In that case, ‘Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up
for sale’.”
jokes

jokes

The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer – who tells her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose
interest!”
The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and
lie still!”

jokes

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the?woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her walletI noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.”So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.”No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me,so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.”

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root,and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,?”It is essential that husbands and wives know the thingsthat are important to each other.”He addressed the man,”Can you describe your wife’s favourite flower?”Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered,”It’s Self raising, isn’t it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I’ll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ballsand a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,”Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton ofcigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,I figure if I have to roll my own ………… so does she.
(Of course .. I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,”Relatives of yours?”"Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….
…

…

…
“HEBREWS”

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building?
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
-The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs-The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.-The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
-She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
-Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
-Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
-The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.-The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
-The 3rd – 6th floors have never been visited.

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.?A man only needs to be:

1. a friend2. a companion3. a lover4. a brother5. a father?6. a master7. a chef8. an electrician9. a carpenter10. a plumber11. a mechanic12. a decorator13.. a stylist14. a sexologist15. a gynecologist16. a psychologist17. a pest exterminator?18. a psychiatrist19. a healer20. a good listener21. an organizer22. a good father23. very clean24. sympathetic25. athletic26. warm27. attentive28. gallant29. intelligent30. funny31. creative32. tender33. strong34. understanding35. tolerant36. prudent37. ambitious38. capable39. courageous40. Determined!?41. true42. dependable43. passionate?44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly46. love shopping47. be honest48. be very rich49. not stress her out?50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself?53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:* birthdays* anniversaries?* arrangements she makes

As he does he says to the woman: “Do you know what I`m doing ?”

“Yes,” she says, “you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“Correct,” says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I`m doing now”, he says.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“That`s right,” replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. “Do you know,” he pants “what I`m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You`re getting herpes.”