Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.

jokes

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy’s position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

The boy replies, “Now we run!”
more funny jokes

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Confusing

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse”, she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

“O.K., now take off my skirt”, and he takes off her skirt. “Now take off my bra”, which he does.

“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties”. Johnny finishes removing these too.

His mother then says, “Johnny, please don’t wear any of my clothes to school anymore!”
more funny jokes

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My Father

Three boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first one said, “My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!”

The second one said, “That’s nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!”

The third boy just smiled. “That’s nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!”

more funny jokes

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A Christmas Present

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn’t buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.

‘You’re getting your Christmas present a week early this year,’ her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. ‘Is that what you want?’

The little girl said, ‘It’s wonderful, mother…just what I wanted. There’s just one thing wrong!’

‘What’s that?’ her mother asked.

‘Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw – but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!’

Her mother smiled. ‘Don’t worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you’ll find the claws are there.’

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn’t even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws.

When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, ‘Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There’s only a few hours to go and there’s not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see.’

‘Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,’ her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey.

So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten.

She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.

Kitty rushed to her parent’s bedroom. ‘Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!’

‘Of course it has,’ her mother grinned.

‘But how did you know?’ Kitty demanded.

Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, ‘Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!’
more funny jokes

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Big Head

ohnny comes back from school crying and says, “Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”

His mother replies, “No you don’t Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”

more funny jokes

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Spider Mate

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a daddy long legs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy long legs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

“Well, we’re not having any of THAT in our garden.”

more funny jokes

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, “Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
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Big Trouble

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. “Where is God?” Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!”
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Sunday School

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

“Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

“When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites.”

“Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it.”

funny jokes

On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is – flowers!”

“That’s right!” said the boy, “but how did you know?”

“Just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is – a box of candy!”

“That’s right! But how did you know?” asked the girl.

“Just a lucky guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied.

The teacher then said, “I give up, what is it?”

The boy replied, “A puppy!”
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Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”

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The Wedding

A mother and her child were at a wedding.

A little boy looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”

His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”

funny jokes

jokes

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
“Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,”the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss
the stupid stone.”

“Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”

“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.

“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”
jokes

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish………………………………………49Adventurous……………..Slept with all your matesAthletic………………………………..No t*tsAverage looking……………Has a face like an a*seBeautiful………………………Pathological liarContagious Smile………………Does a lot of pillsEmotionally Secure………………….On medicationFeminist…………………………………..FatFree spirit………………………………JunkieFriendship first……………………..Former sl*tFun……………………………………AnnoyingGentle……………………………………DullNew-Age……………………….Body hair problemsOpen-minded……………………………DesperateOutgoing……………………Loud and EmbarrassingPassionate…………………………Sloppy drunkPoet…………………………………DepressiveProfessional………………………………B*tchRomantic…………………………………FrigidVoluptuous……………………………..Very FatLarge lady……………………………Hugely FatWants Soul mate………………………….StalkerWidow…………………………………..Murderer

WOMEN’S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No2. No = Yes3. Maybe = No4. We need = I want..5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry6. We need to talk = I need to complain7. Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs13. You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive15. It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now16. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?17. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like

MEN’S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry2. I am sleepy = am sleepy3. I am tired = I am tired4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!5. I love you = Let’s have sex now6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?7. What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question8. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you9. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.14. Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I’d like to have sex with you.15. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay

funny-pictures

Funny Pictures